You're a nurse if....

This was sent to me by our assistant manager and I've seen some parts of it a couple of other places. Unfortunately, it's amazing how much of this is true. Sorry, a bit of it is a little crass.

"You may be a nurse if.....

You believe that every patient needs TLC...
... Thorazine, Lorazepam and Compazine.

You would like to meet the inventor of the call light
some night in a dark alley.

You believe not all patients are annoying,
some are unconscious.

Your sense of humor gets more warped each year.

You know the phone number of every late night delivery place by heart.

You can only tell time by the 24 hr clock.

Almost everything can seem humorous....eventually.

When asked what color that patients diarrhea was, you show them your shoes.

You know the smell of different diarrhea to identify it.

Every time you walk you make a jingling noise because of all the
scissors and clamps in your pocket.

You've been telling stories in a restaurant and
made someone at another table throw up.

You notice that you are using more 4 letter words
than you did before you started nursing.

Everytime someone asks you for a pen,
you can find at least 4 of them on you.

You don't get excited about blood unless it's your own.

You live by the motto "to be right is only half the battle, to
convince the doctor is more difficult"

You've basted your thanksgiving turkey with a toomey syringe.

You've told a confused patient that your name was that of your
co-worker and to holler if they need help.

Eating microwave popcorn out of a clean bedpan is perfectly normal.

Your bladder can expand to the size of a winnebago's water tank.

When checking the level of a patients orientation,
you aren't sure of the answer.

You find yourself checking out other customers veins
in grocery waiting lines.

You avoid unhealthy looking shoppers in the mall for fear that they
will drop near you and you'll have to do cpr on your day off.

You throw a party for a co-worker and use a urinal (clean of course)
as a lemon-aid pitcher and use a bed sheet for a tablecloth.

You hate to get dressed in "real clothes" because scrubs are what you
live in, and why can't they make jeans that comfortable.

You often stay awake for 24+ hrs at a time when you work nights and
realize you don't need alcohol or drugs to hallucinate just lack of
sleep...

You pull over in some parking lot after working nights because you
are too tired to drive home and wake up to someone knocking
on your window thinking you have had a stroke because
you are passed out in your car and drooling.

Your finger has gone places you never thought possible.

You have seen more penises than any prostitute.

You've sworn to have "No code" tattooed on your chest.

If you are not a nurse and have been sent this by a friend who is,
it's just to help you understand our mindset and
questionable mental state."

Rachel the Terrible

I'm an evil, awful, despicable person. I had to take care of an elderly woman who is not only very confused, but also only speaks Romanian. Not a lick of English. Try talking sense into that. We tried calling family and having them talk to her to explain that lab needed to draw blood and I needed to give her insulin in her arm. Her son had left us a list of translated words. Unfortunately, they left out useful phrases, sentences and key words like "insulin", "blood sugar", "lab needs to draw blood", "we're not going to hurt you"...and many more useful terms that I could have used this morning. So, when Rachel with sharp needle in hand came poking towards her arm, cooperation was not to be had. Instead, it was kicking, flailing, and very likely a long line of curse words directed at yours truly. Who knows what she said, but I'm pretty damn sure it wasn't "Wow, you are the most wonderful nurse in the world".
The nursing assistant who had sat in the room all night and another nursing assistant had to help hold down her body and restrain her arms as I poked quickly and also tried not to poke myself or one of the aides. I felt absolutely rotten for it.